I am a believer in Jesus Christ and I struggle with Codependence, anxieties, and low self esteem.
I was born into a large family with 1 older sister, 2 older and 2 younger brothers.
I was born with a birth defect in my one leg and at times it would become painful enough to leave me unable to walk I was in and out of Doctor offices to try and find out what it was up til the age of 12. For as long as I can remember I would hide it because of the remarks that people would make, from the grown ups asking what it was to the kids making remarks. It was easier to hide it then to listen to the remarks and to top it off I was not able to play in most of the activities we had in our Church or in School only because the Doctors did not know what would happen.
When I was 8 years old I was saved and baptized in the Mormon Church that I attended at the time and had a number of special moments from that point up to about 10 years old. I learned to square dance, paint ceramics, crochet and even learned to cut my Dads hair, even though I left a bald spot on his head, he just said to me “its okay it will grow back”. It was all good but things started to change. My brother was into drugs, alcohol and being violent with my father and my sister would run away which led her being put into a foster home for a short amount of time and my brother sent away to a Utah juvenile detention place.
Later my sister had a child out of wed lock and I remember clearly the day that my Father pushed away this little boy who wanted a hug, just because he was born out of wed- lock. That moment left a big imprint in my mind because of the stories my Father would tell me about Jesus Christ, how He would come down in different forms to test us. I always felt there was more to Christ then what I was seeing and learning through my Father. My sister continued to live with us with her son and I learned quickly how to rescue, when it came to my nephew, when ever he had an accident or made a mistake I would cover for him in fear of what my Father would do or say.
During these rough times my cousin started molesting me when he visited, he would always wait until I fell asleep the problem was I was not asleep, I was just to afraid to open my eyes. I finally got the courage to tell my sister about it and she just said to me, he had done it to her too. Like it wasn’t a big deal and at that point I was so confused and full of fear. I never told anyone else til I became older.
After my Mom and Dad were divorced things went from bad to worse, I was over 12 years old at the time. My Dad had all utilities turned off on us and my Mom was a house wife with no car. I remember walking with my Mom to the store one time with a little red wagon to carry the groceries in, we had to stop and rest a lot because she couldn’t breathe well with her asthma. I was scared for her and felt bad I couldn’t do more for her. I helped out with my younger brothers and nephew when ever I could. I felt I had to be strong, and my Mom would compliment me by saying she could trust me to help take care of the ones younger then me. I knew we had to survive because of all the changes that happened.
My older brother became more violent, mainly to my brother who had severe asthma, and on one occasion to me. I wanted to stop one of his viscous attacks on my brother so I hit him with a broom and ran as fast as I could fearing my life, I locked the door and ran for the phone to call the police, he eventually busted the door down and choked me to the point of a black out. I felt like something had to be done so I tried to do something on my own even if it didn’t work.
I barely remember Middle School at all, just that I had learned how to play the flute and had at least one good friend all the time. High School was another turning point for me when I made it to 10th grade, a boy I barley knew sat in front of me in one of my classes, had tracked down where I lived and came to my house and raped me . I missed a few days of school because I was so scared and ashamed, the only reason I went back was because I did not want to tell anyone, my shame was so strong I thought they would just blame it on me, because in my mind I should have been able to stop it and I couldn’t and when I went back to School, he just said you know you liked it. I only told my friend about it and no one else, after that School was never the same. By 11th grade I dropped out of school and got a job and I later earned my GED.
It was great to get a job and be able to help out at home by buying food. I soon ran into more bad circumstances of being raped by a young guy I worked with and became pregnant and had an abortion. I blamed my self for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I would drink and smoke some pot every once in a while and that night I was pretty wasted. These bad circumstances of being raped seemed to follow me from my best friends ex-boy friend that was suppose to give me a ride home to a man that lived across the street from us and was married with two boys. Chaos was my life.
When it came to dating I couldn’t stand the nice guys that wanted me, to the point that I broke up with one guy because he was boa legged and could never keep the ones I wanted to keep. Some claiming I was too nice and so much so I wouldn’t even let them forget there cigarette lighter. I tried to keep them with kindness but it never worked. I even remember asking a dear friend at the age of 18 why I couldn’t keep the ones I wanted and get rid of the ones I didn’t, she just calmly said have you ever thought it was you. That was a smack in my face, but very much needed. That was a turning point in my life, when I started to look at my self and started reading self help books about anything and even picking up the Bible on occasions. I still dated a lot of men but was never single for long because I knew what they wanted.
My walk with Christ had faded but I always knew he was there I just didn’t have a understanding of what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus, what his words meant to me and my life. I also fought the idea that I came up with when I was younger that religions took your life away from your family, since my Father put the church first before his family. I also didn’t fully believe what my church taught. But God would remind me he was with me at times. I had gave my sister money for food which left me with no money for my sons Christmas gifts and later found out she broke in to her savings she was suppose to use for moving out of my Moms house and made sure her family had a big Christmas and never offered to give me the money back I gave her. I blamed my self for giving it to her of course. But something amazing came out of it all, a lady I worked with on occasions asked me why I was so quite and I told her what happened. She wrote me out a check for a large amount of money and I immediately said I can not pay this back. She said you don’t have to, I give to a Christmas fund every year. All I could do was cry; no one was ever that nice. I never saw her again and yet she has left an everlasting imprint in my heart. From that point on I made sure I donated to some Christmas fund every year.
Let me back track a bit, I became pregnant and had my first son at 21, later finding out that his father was still married after being separated for 5 years. I raised my son as a single Mom, and I was soon in a 3 year on and off again relationship which ended with that last ultimatum. I didn’t see or hear from him for 3 months so I set a date for him to never call me again. Well that day came and the next day I met my now husband, and at the time my next door neighbor.
I had been reading books about dating and learning how to say no, to things like, let’s be friends, that’s my favorite one. Before I met my husband I knew I wanted to have a family and wanted to feel safe and far away from the games and chaos. But my way of thinking was a long way from being cleaned up I just didn’t know it at the time.
1 year after being married we had a son, so in total we both came into the marriage with one child and had one between us. After the first year signs of his addiction started to surface, I started to really read the Bible for guidance for our situation, leading me into the helping mode. I thought we could talk about it and he seemed like he understood, but I was wrong, some how I was convinced of being insecure. I had to go to counseling to discover I wasn’t, that I was right, but being right didn’t matter, my way of thinking was still not cleaned up. I knew how to survive so I felt like I could handle this, I have been through worse. It made me feel needed when I helped, at least what I thought was help, and then I started rescuing. Years down the road I tried it this way and that way and soon found my self being a police in my own home, cleaning up things to cover for him and protecting my children, wanting to get in the house before the kids did just in case. I eventually became a detective because the addiction was getting worse and it was evident. I would stay up late worrying, wondering where he REALLY was and with who. I tried so many different approaches to protect my children and cover up the mistakes of his addiction and he tried so many ways of going about it and admitting he liked it and making excuses, I use to tell him I was going to make a book of excuses. But some one already beat me to that one. I could take it if it was just me but that wasn’t the case. It was affecting my children, my Mother, my sister, my brothers and co-workers. It was killing me inside and everyone could see it except me. I didn’t have much self worth and it was continuing to go lower as I put my focus on all the wrong things, but I was strong, I could do it by myself, I was a survivor that was my way of thinking. I had discovered something on the computer and at that point I was so over whelmed with so many feelings, I was forced to face the fact that I could not protect everyone, I was not helping and the problem was getting worse, I was horrified. I was doing the same thing over and over but just in different ways and again I was faced up against the truth. This was my last straw.
I wanted to run away, I was so withdrawn into my self, so full of shame. I was driving to work and while I was at a stop light that number popped up again on the radio for a hot line. This time I really needed it and could write it down since I was at a stop light. I called the next day and they prayed with me and set up a time to have someone call me back. The next week when they did, that man on the other end put it to me loud and clear. You need to do something now! He is in complete denial and you’re on the verge of a break down, and then he apologized for being so blunt. I couldn’t stop crying and I told him I needed to hear this. I told him I couldn’t afford counseling and he asked if I ever heard of Celebrate Recovery, I said no but I am willing to do anything. I looked them up as soon as I got off the phone with him and called and spoke with some lady and she said just show up and I was relieved it was just that easy. I told my husband I found a place for me to go to and he was welcome to come if he wanted but I am going.
I was gun ho about getting help for my self, I felt like something was wrong with me if I kept accepting what was going on. This was way bigger then I and I knew it. I could not do it by my self.
I was welcomed with a friendly smile and was scared but excited to be there. I managed to get my name out the first night but that was it. I remembered George talking about a step study where the rubber meets the road thing and I went to check it out. I was excited because I felt I knew a little something about the Bible and Jesus but afraid of what I was walking into. Talking out loud was rough for me I felt like I didn’t even hear a word I read and I could feel my chin quiver. I soon discovered I only knew about Jesus I knew the things he did and some of the stories in the Bible but had know idea what it meant to have a true relationship with Jesus Christ and how he truly works in my life. And because someone told me that they go to the grocery store and they don’t always like everything in there but it didn’t stop them from going (George ), lead me to check out Calvary Road Baptist Church and there Change Point class. When I did, some guy came over and introduced him self as Jason and that was all I heard but he kept talking to me which made me feel very welcomed, and he was a very down to earth kind of guy. I didn’t realize at the time that he was the pastor until he got up and started talking, and that blew me away. I began to realize that they don’t take over your life, like I grew up thinking they did and that everyone was just regular people and no one twisted my arm to keep me coming back. So my fear of the Church taking over my life was gone and I became a member shortly after. A few months after I started going to Church my Husband and son accepted Jesus Christ into there heart and all 3 of us were baptized, I owe all that to Celebrate Recovery and George and Vicki for watching over and guiding this ministry.
Everything I applied my self to went hand in hand to continue my growing relationship with Jesus Christ. With the support of my sponsor and accountability partners and friends I have learned to walk through most of my anxiety attacks and when I lean towards my default thinking they gently but firmly leaned me back where I needed to be. I have been blessed with good friends for the first time in 11 years. Learning to rely on Gods words and keep my focus on him is very hard and I wanted to learn more. As I learned more and kept applying his words to my life I would see that it really works and I would grow in trusting in his words more and more. His words are my positive thoughts replacing all that is negative in me. “But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you”, Matthew 6:33. I hung on to Gods words, through out the hard times, 1 John 4:18 says; “there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” My self esteem was so low I remember the first time I really heard and I don’t mean just hearing it but really heard it, that Jesus Christ loves me, I had a lump in my throat and was close to tears wanting to shrivel up and hide. How could Jesus love me, that’s some pretty powerful feeling and now I do know he loves me even when I still struggle with my self esteem. My codependence is not something I can just put down and walk away from, I still have my issues but I now know how to recognize them and take the tools that God has provided through Celebrate recovery and use them. I have also learned that everyone could use Celebrate Recovery, and you can not do it alone, the support you receive molds you, transforms you and keeps you on track with Gods words. Jesus Christ has given me so much of my freedom back in my life by teaching me to let go of my Anger and resentments and some fears. The more I let go the more I see the truth and grow in Christ’s love.
I have learned to step out in faith by taking baby steps, stepping up as a leader in CR was one step and amazingly God positioned Sheila the Encourager Coach into my life, God had a plan and Sheila and I were in the middle of it and watching it unfold. I stepped up again to do a step study, and Sheila originally had a co-leader ready to lead with her and then things started to unfold. The young woman who was suppose to co- lead with Sheila was not able to lead at the time and I happened to be there ready and willing, the timing was perfect and we were both amazed at how it all played out. Sheila and I started to hang out a little bit more on Friday night Celebrate Recovery when we both got there early enough. I started helping her out with the things she took care of in CR, although I knew she was moving soon I didn’t really think much of it at first but when my eyes were opened I started to realize I was being trained to take Sheila’s place. I just didn’t know what that meant exactly but I did know for sure I would be buying the sodas for Coffee House. Close to the time that Sheila left I was seeing the bigger picture a little more clearly. George and Vickie had already moved to start there own Church and Steve was the new Ministry leader and soon after Steve stepped up I was asked to be the “E” the encourager coach. Imagine that, I was a little surprised but it all made sense. I really did not feel I was ready for this but I was willing and figured that if I made a mistake someone would correct me, but again God amazingly put people in my life that was supportive and gave me ideas on how to plan things, get a little more organized and being able to lay it all out and of course there was trail and error with a lesson to learn. God has not stopped amazing me.