June 18, 2005
Happy Father’s Day Dad!!!
Dear Dad,
It has been a long time since I have thought of you in a good way. I am now 45, and in a good place in my life. I have accepted Christ as my savior and serve God, my creator. I am on the 9th step of my recovery from alcohol and felt that it was important that I wrote this letter to you today.
Tomorrow is June 19, 2005, Father’s day. It has been 37 years since I have spent a Father’s day with you. Little did I know as an eight year old boy that Father’s day in June 1968 would be the last Father’s day that I would get to spend with you. Just a few weeks later on a hot summer day, you took your own life by hanging yourself in the basement of the House that Mom still lives in. The lives of Mom, Pam, Linda, Amy and me were drastically changed.
Mom was left to take care of the 4 of us on her own. She had to learn how to drive, because you would not let her learn to drive while you were alive. She had to learn how to handle finances and a checkbook, again, you would not let her handle any of the finances or touch the checkbook. She got jobs in the school cafeteria and worked in a bar at night. It took her 18 years to get a permanent job at the post office. We were all moved away by then except for Amy. We did make it ok and survived. Pam is now 51 and has 2 daughters she has been divorced and just recently broke up after a long relationship with her girlfriend. Linda had 2 girls and has been divorced twice. She still has a lot of resentment towards you and Mom. Amy has 3 boys and recently married her second husband Marvin. During her wedding, I stood in for you and walked her down the aisle. She looked so beautiful. I have been married twice and have a beautiful daughter named Natalie.
I was a good father for the 1st four years of Natalie’s life, but once her mother and I got a divorce, things changed. I began putting her 2nd and became distant from her seeing her here and there. Now she is 22, a beautiful young woman getting ready to start nursing school. She has a lot of resentment on how I treated her while she was growing up. I am now working on getting closer to her and speak to her on a regular basis. I blamed the way that I acted in the past to include every bad thing I did on you. I never took ownership for my actions. I now accept the responsibility for everything that I have done in my life. I am slowly making amends with the people who I hurt and I forgive all the people who have hurt me.
You would now be 76 years old, you would be a grandfather of 5 girls, Laurinda, Tricia, Natalie, Hannah, and Leah and 3 boys, Jonathan, Joshua and Benjamin. But because for some reason on a hot day in the summer of 1968, I guess you felt that there was no way out and gave up on life and killed yourself. Well Dad, I am ending the cycle of madness, hatred, anger and misery in my life. I no longer drink alcohol. I quit drinking just 10 months ago. I am now working on quitting smoking. I do wish that someone could have stopped you from taking your life. However, I realize that neither myself nor anyone else could have kept you from taking your life. I pray that some how you accepted Christ and asked for forgiveness on your last dying breath. Through out my life I have always prayed that I would get to see you in heaven. However as I learn the scriptures, I see that I will probably not see you in heaven.
For the eight years that you were in my life, I remember you being a good Dad. You took to see the Reds and Royals play. We all went on cool vacations to Ocean City and to Lake Michigan. So thanks dad for being there when you could be. I begin to close this letter by saying Happy Father’s day Dad. Being a believer in Jesus Christ and a Christian, I truly forgive you from the deepest part of my heart. I love and miss you very much.
As the days go on from here, I now put my resentment towards you behind me. I no longer live in the past and no longer blame my past for my mistakes. I live in the present and serve God and prepare for my next life in the Kingdom of God and Jesus Christ. I will continue to work on making amends with Natalie, Mom, Linda, Pam and Amy and also work on getting our family back together. Thanks for letting me share. Happy Father’s Day Dad.
Your Loving and Forgiving Son,
Chris